In the Year Ahead — 2023

I’m writing this by lamp light in the late morning. I’ve just returned from walking Joey and it’s humid with a thick fog hanging low. I’ve compiled my tousled papers with my musings for this year and the last. I long ago let go of the rigidity of resolutions and goal-setting and instead focus on themes, habits, and how I want to direct my energy, all with the intent to hold it with ease and flexibility. With that, I’m taking much of January to reflect on the year ahead. I’m intentionally not hitting the ground running, but instead embracing slowness, rest, and time. I’m letting these reflections unfold and syncing with the winter season, which I associate slowness, rest, and time with. With that said, here’s what I’ve been ruminating on!

BEHAVIORS —
Two years ago, I began to recognize that my numbing habits were something I needed to address. I’m a type 9 personality on the Enneagram and something common for this type (and that I resonate with) is falling asleep to oneself. Since a young age, 9’s believed their voice/viewpoint was overlooked or not important. They perhaps were not as loud as others in their environment. As a result, they go along to get along. This pattern can result in struggling to be in touch with (thus, “asleep” to) themselves, their emotions, and desires. It’s easier to meld to other personality types or act as harmonizing equalizer. In 2021, I began addressing this in therapy, particularly in terms of my emotions. I had (have) lived much of my adult life experiencing a fairly limited spectrum of emotional range. I had developed a number of mechanisms to quiet or avoid them. Therapy that year allowed me to feel feelings through, to sit with them and not fear them. I actually experienced my neural pathways rewiring and signaling anew.

It is the mechanisms I want to address this year. This winter, I’m observing and evaluating my television, social media, and alcohol intake. I’ve noted that these are the activities I gravitate toward when I want to disassociate, be transported, or when I crave mindlessness (And let me note! Disassociating and mindlessness can be useful, appropriate, and harmless. For me, these activities are ones I fall into a bit too routinely for my liking). In an effort to be more present to my own life, to enhance awareness, and to shake up my nightly rhythms, I’m spending January noticing and reducing my television intake, February my alcohol consumption, and March my social media behaviors. I’m curious what will come of it (I’ve been limiting TV intake for a couple weeks now and I’m definitely noticing some differences that I’ll likely write about later); stay tuned!

What’s been working (and what I’ll keep doing!) —
Walking Joey! Because he’s quite young yet, our walks and off-leash time require I be alert and focused. These are activities I do multiple times a day and I’ve definitely noticed a rise in my conscious awareness and alertness.

Meditating. This really helps pull me to the present moment and pay closer attention to my body and emotions. It can also help me move through emotions, i.e.; if I feel like I need to cry, meditating usually opens the floodgates, if you will. It’s especially helpful, too, to pull me out of a negative or groggy headspace.

Cooking. As I noted in my previous blog post, late last year, I started to learn more about cooking, and thus, cook more! I’ve been enjoying it so much. I love finding recipes on the New York Times Cooking page, challenging myself with new methods and different ingredients, and the tactility of the whole process. I usually bop to some tunes, too.

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Another behavior I want explore is not communicating as a way of communicating. This one is challenging for me and shows up in a lot of different ways. Not making a choice is a choice, not showing up is showing up, the variations go on, and I resonate with all of them. This comes from a variety of influences and once I began to notice how often these variations-of-the-same-theme show up for me, it’s been increasingly frustrating and alarming. Not voicing my thoughts among my peers, living in hypotheticals and spinning out thinking about all the different possibilities, only to make no decision at all, opting out of something because I’m sure “no one will notice if I’m there or not anyway;” the list goes on! Now that I’ve noticed these tendencies, I’m in the phase of considering how I can think and behave differently (any tangible suggestions?).

THEMES —

The themes listed below are all interconnected in some respect, but these were what stood out as focuses I wanted to prioritize this year. While I have some clarity, I’m not totally sure what this will all look like day-to-day (and some days it just ain’t gonna happen). But for now, I have these words pinned up in my room and I’m committing to giving them my attention.

Abundance
This is the way I’d like to live and the mindset I’d like to have. As someone who finds one too many reasons to remain idle or often comes up against mental roadblocks, “abundance” felt like an appropriate challenge and how I’d conversely like to be leading my life. A phrase I’ve been repeating regularly to myself is, “everything I need is already here and within me.” This is a major reframe for my thinking. Not only does this phrase assist in jumpstarting me, it also quiets the comparison game that often runs on loop in my head.

Generosity
The interest in generosity came to me late last year and has been a really generative focus for me. I’m seeing it as a subset of abundant thinking. Truthfully, I wouldn’t call myself a generous person. Or, at least, it’s not a top-tier characteristic of mine. As someone who is highly introverted, I’m often very guarded with my time. As someone who grew up with (and still has) a money scarcity mindset, I find that I hold my resources close to me. And as someone who has regularly felt their boundaries pushed and ignored growing up, I can be especially rigid and stubborn. I am glad to understand where this comes from for me and I am now in a place where I want to move beyond these narratives.

What’s been working (and what I’ll keep doing!) —
Educating myself re: money. This has been empowering and has helped rewire some of my older thought patterns. Consequently, it’s bolstered my generosity, too. We’re investing, we’re tracking our spending, we’re understanding our money history, we’re doing small bits of learning every day! I’m really enjoying learning from Tori Dunlap of Her First $100K, if you, too, are looking for accessible knowledge resources.

Sharing food. With my newfound interest in cooking, I’ve been making it in excess to be able to share it. Whether that be with neighbors, friends, or my roommates, I’m making a point to offer it as much as I can.
(My closest friends will laugh, as I am notoriously known for not wanting to share my food.)

Homemaking
For well over a year now, I’ve had the energy to care for and cultivate my home space. I’ve wanted to clean, organize, furnish, tend to. I’ve transitioned from my apartment functioning as a landing pad to a home I want to invest in. Perhaps because of the pandemic or just getting older, but I remain energized by homemaking. In that same vein, whether or not I want to continue living in New York City is a question that’s been top-of-mind for me. When I sat down to envision the kind of home I want to cultivate, it feels very out of reach for this city. There’s also the question of being in such a dense and over-stimulating city. I’ve been reflecting on this for quite some time, but the answer doesn’t yet feel clear (though, I do hope to make some decisions this summer). There is so much I love, but also so much that makes life unnecessarily hard. I will continue to feel my way into this theme with careful observation and patience.

Support
Asking for, receiving, and giving support has been a steep learning curve for me (and one that requires a lot more learning yet!). Bringing Joey into my life last year as a single person required I call on support more. For example, I met two of the loveliest people in a Facebook group (!?) who are now basically Joey’s aunt and uncle. It’s wild what can come out of asking for support (and a bit of desperation and overwhelm lol). In this sense, Joey has really pushed me out of my shell and highly independent lifestyle. I’ve liked the changes I’ve seen and am following that momentum this year.

Knowing
Perhaps you’ve been able to pick up on the theme in reading this, but I can defer to a ghostly way of moving through the world. I would like to be known and seen on a more intimate level. Writing here is one such effort at that. I hope to form new friendships and perhaps date (set me up?) more, too. I’ve spent so many years doing deep inner work, moving about the country doing different things, learning, trying things on, and evolving rapidly — I want you to be apart of it.

I hope you continue to follow along. Feel more (!!!) than free to write me (or comment below), too, about anything I’ve shared here! I’m at hello@jennifersimonton.com.
Until next time <3.